We sometimes compare rope bondage to a type of dance, and refer to the collective skills associated with that partnership as “learning the dance.” There’s no question that the top is “taking the lead” in that dance, but the bottom has a definite role to play in making that dance happen. After all, tying up a limp rag doll or a completely non-responsive partner usually isn’t much fun.
Similarly, in a dance partnership, a good lead is always actively listening to the follow and ready to make modifications as needed based on the communication — subtle or otherwise — that the follow provides. This shouldn’t be dismissed as “topping from the bottom.” If the goal is for both of you to find success in the rope, then listening for and responding to both people in the partnership is an obvious part of achieving that goal.
If you dig further into discussions of Lead and Follow in dance, you’ll find many overlaps. For example, contemporary or ballet dance doesn’t have this concept, but that’s because they are highly-choreographed and rehearsed forms of dancing. Social dances like ballroom or tango have no set routine, and so they rely on the ability of the dancing pair to communicate effectively (and physically) in real time to stay in sync. This is similar to the difference between a rope “performance” and a rope “scene.” Likewise, a follow in dance isn’t just a mindless mimic of the lead; the follow is interpreting the cues provided by the lead and making active, personal responses to that interpretation. That exchange is where new ideas can be suggested — intentionally or unintentionally — by the follow that the lead can choose to pick up and incorporate, thus adding to the spontaneity and creativity of the interaction.
It’s also important for the top to “listen” carefully to the bottom for practical reasons: each body will have certain abilities and limitations, and the top needs to be mindful of any signals from the bottom — verbal or otherwise — that suggest the body is reaching one of those limitations. Remember that limitations may be long-term (an old shoulder injury that means their shoulder can never move that way) or temporary (sleeping on their arm in a funny way that means their shoulder can’t move that way today).
If we think of this as a partnership, then we understand that learning to give and read each other’s cues is an important part of developing that partnership. This involves communicating and negotiating about the kind of interaction you and your partner desire — not only before the tying begins, but during as well. For example: some tops may prefer their bottoms not to help them when moving into a new position, but would rather place the bottom where they want them to be; other tops may prefer to guide with a light touch and expect the bottom to move themselves with the top’s guidance; and of course, there’s a wide range of other options in between. Likewise, bottoms have their own desires and preferences and may express them in a variety of ways: some bottoms approach rope with a desire to “not be in control” and to succumb to the helplessness of bondage, some see it as a physical challenge almost like a sport, some see it as a form of physical meditation, etc.
Whatever the individual and shared intentions are when approaching rope for enjoyment and play, we believe that working in partnership for the purpose of learning and practice is an important part of understanding risks, mitigating those risks as much as possible, and practicing responsible progression. Once you’ve practiced a set of skills in partnership, then you can use those skills in a more risk-aware, responsible way to lose control, test your limits, quiet your mind, or whatever other goals you may have.
In general, though, bottoms should be cautious about being “overly helpful.” There are times when bottoms have the urge to do something because they feel like it will make things easier for the top, but sometimes it actually makes things more difficult. Be ready to have conversations about these interactions to figure out what works best for both of you so you can figure out the rhythm of your dance together.
This is not to say that the bottom’s experience of a tie is irrelevant and bottoms should only move or not move as determined by the desires of the top. For example, if the bottom is always fidgeting at a certain place in a tie, and the top gets frustrated because that fidgeting is “messing up the tie,” the solution may not be that the top simply tells the bottom to be still. Instead, the fidgeting may be a sign that the top needs to change something about the tie at that point to make it more comfortable and thereby prevent the fidgeting. In the process, both partners learn more about the tie and their experience of that tie together.
Learning this dance together is almost always a bit awkward at some point, but over time, you will learn each other’s rhythms if you’re paying attention.
Advice for Practicing Communication
Communication when practicing for rope can sometimes be difficult, particularly if the relationship between the top and bottom involves any type of power exchange or dynamic. In that case, it’s important that the bottom is given whatever “permission” may be necessary in order for open communication to occur. And in any case, it’s important for both parties to recognize that they’re in “practice mode” and to do their best to communicate in helpful ways for the purpose of improving.
Here are a few specific points of advice:
- Tops:
- Prepare yourself to receive the feedback the bottom has to offer. It may surprise some to learn that tops often have fragile egos that can be easily bruised (/sarcasm). Bracing yourself to receive criticism with the purpose of improving can help insulate the ego from serious injury.
- Be careful about blaming the bottom for the difficulty you are having. Most people have a natural tendency to deflect blame. Instead, ask yourself what you could do differently to improve the tie or experience.
- In addition, while it may be true that you cannot tie something exactly the same as the video because the bottom you are working with has different physical needs, it is not true that it is therefore the bottom’s fault that you are having trouble. Learning to “tie the person not the rope” is the first principle of tying well. Remember what we’ve said about modifications (namely: all rope is modification) and take what you already know to adapt the tie to the body (not the other way around). If you need specific help with this for your particular bottom, please ask for assistance from more experienced practitioners.
- Remember to thank your bottom for their patience and feedback as they work to help you both improve your experience in rope. (The more you verbally do this, the more you will start to actually feel and appreciate their support and patience as you both learn.)
- Bottoms:
- Remember what we said about fragile egos. Therefore, we find it helpful to provide feedback that compares your current experience to previous experience, rather than framing things as “good or bad” or “wrong or right.” For example: “This band feels tighter than it did last time” or “tighter than the other one” rather than “That band is too tight!”
- Using “made up percentages” can also be helpful, as long as you stay roughly consistent with yourself. For example: “This band feels about 20% tighter than last time.”
- Reporting on your experience without attributing intention or passing judgment can also help. (See SILO below for specific advice on how to do that.) Saying: “Something is pinching my inner thigh” is typically more helpful than “Quit pinching my thigh, you asshole.” (Unless, of course, they are being an asshole!)
- Remember to also provide positive feedback when something is working well. Without positive feedback, the top won’t learn as much about what does work well for you.
- Finally, you should also thank your top for taking the time to practice and learn so that you both can enjoy your experiences in rope more fully and with less risk.
SILO
SILO is an acronym that we adapted from ShatteredPulse‘s contribution to a bottom-focused round table at NARIX in 2017. It’s designed to help you communicate with your top in a helpful way about things you discover as you monitor and check your body in rope.
S = Sensation: What is the sensation you’re feeling? Examples: pinching, twisting, sharp pain, dull pain, etc.
I = Intensity: How significant is this sensation? Examples: mild, manageable, intense, urgent, etc.
L = Location: Where, specifically, are you feeling this? Examples: right ankle, lower thigh, top left side of hip, etc.
O = Outcome: What are the outcomes from this sensation? Examples: taking you out of the experience, lack of breath, inability to move a part of the body, dizziness, etc.
SILO is beneficial in at least two ways:
- It helps the bottom to assess for themselves the type of sensation they’re experiencing and make decisions about what needs to be communicated and in what ways.
- It provides specific feedback to the rope top in a way that lets the top address the issue in a way that makes the most immediate sense, given the other concerns about which the top is aware or is managing.
As a final note here–specifically to tops: sometimes making small adjustments, even when there’s nothing specific that you think needs to be done or that you can see, can make ties more sustainable and enjoyable (even if it’s only a mental trick).
Tips and Exercises
Below are a few pieces of advice and exercises that may help you learn this dance together.
Learn the Timing
The more familiar you become with a tie, the better your timing will become, which will let the bottom know when they can adjust themselves inside the ropes or flex against them to test the tension. These general guidelines should help:
- When the top is tying, the bottom should be resisting the push and pull of the rope. We don’t mean fighting against the top! However, if the bottom lets their body get pulled over every time the rope pulls against them, they’ll make it pretty impossible for the top to tie well. For example, if the top is pulling the rope through a reverse tension on the back, bottoms should brace themselves against that pull so that it doesn’t make them fall backwards. (On the other hand, tops should help brace the bottom in some way to make that work easier.)
- When the rope is moving, the bottom should be still. This is similar to the previous point, but not quite the same. It’s important for bottoms to test the tension and placement of the rope. However, they shouldn’t be doing this all the time, and certainly not while the top is still moving the rope … that can actually cause the problems they’re trying to prevent. Instead, they should wait for the natural moments in a tie when the rope has stopped and the tension has been locked off. At that point, it’s appropriate to flex against the rope, breathe deeply, or move their body to test the tension and placement.
- Understand the rhythm and timing of particular ties. Related to the above, one of the things bottoms learn over time is how to “read” a tie:
- When can you move to adjust yourself in the rope without causing problems for the top?
- When are the moments in a tie that you should be paying particular attention to the tension and placement? (It’s not every moment … you’ll learn that some parts of a tie are more critical than others for safety and enjoyment.)
- When are the moments in a tie that you need to be particularly careful to not add extra tension to the rope by what you’re doing with your body?
- How does your posture and body positioning affect the final tie? Are there times when it’s fine to slouch or relax, and times when it’s important that you don’t?
- When the top isn’t actively tying, pay attention to the cues and allow yourself to go with their motion. Some tops prefer a close, very directed, aggressive approach, and in those cases, it will be clear which way the top is wanting you to move. (Some may even enjoy your resistance.) Others may lead with subtle pushes of their arms, legs, or body, and in those cases, looking for and responding to those cues will make for a better “dance.”
Nonverbal Cues
One exercise worth exploring is spending time developing and/or learning each other’s nonverbal cues. This is not to suggest that speaking isn’t an option. However, being able to read your partner without speaking can be helpful in improving the flow of the tying … or simply in overcoming the loud chaos of tying in a club.
At first, you might define these nonverbal cues explicitly:
- How will the top let the bottom know that it’s OK to move and check tension?
- How will the top let the bottom know when and in what direction to move?
- How will the bottom let the top know that the tension feels good or needs adjusting?
- Etc.
Over time, these nonverbal cues may become part of your intuitive “dance” together.
Being Untied
Untying should be just as much a part of the dance as tying. (In fact, when practicing, the “reward” can come through the untying. Since tops don’t need to focus on where the rope goes next, they can move their focus from the rope to their partner.)
Beyond remembering to continue the original intent of a particular rope interaction, there are a few body management and safety tips to consider when untying:
- The first consideration is whether the bottom will move themselves or the top will assist in moving the bottom after the untying.
- Depending on the intensity of the tie, the bottom will likely want the rope to be removed completely before trying to move out of the position in which the rope was holding them.
- The bottom’s movement after untying should be slow and controlled, in proportion to the intensity and length of the tie.
- The bottom may want the top to assist them in moving. However, tops should be careful not to force bottoms to move too quickly.
- Sometimes, gentle rubbing or massaging after being untied can be helpful if the muscles feel sore or cramped. However, when dealing with circulation loss, rubbing and massaging can intensify the pain rather than relieve it.
- Tops may need to help bottoms remember to stretch out of the tie and restore good circulation before immediately curling up into various forms of aftercare.